Not the how-tos, just the wish-I-knews…
We actually talk about sex a lot in our society. How to do it well, how to do it better, even how often to do it . . . from dating tactics to health benefits, experiences to preferences, and influence to pleasure. But what we don’t talk about enough: when to do it, why to do it. Or maybe even when or why not to . . .
As cliché as it might be, I’m just gonna say it – there’s no right or wrong here. Try as we might, there’s no real rhyme or reason to any of it, because these things cannot be reduced to logic. There’s only what’s best for you. And I’ve seen that be very different for everyone. We do ourselves a disservice when we try to put sex into a box – one with all-encompassing answers, solutions, and strategies. Because we as human beings don’t fit into a box either, and sex is, arguably, the most human experience we will ever have.
So, I’m here to tell you: skip the box, but draw that line. Do it for you and only you. Not for anyone or anything else. Because in the end, that’s who and what will always be left standing … you. Your choices, your faith, your reasons. Period. Yes, I understand that this is a partner activity (and you should absolutely take them into account in a conscious and considerate way!), but when all is said and done, there’s only one person you’ll see staring back at you in the mirror. So, make sure you take care of her, respect her, celebrate her, and make decisions that will make her proud.
A friend was deciding whether to sleep with someone, and she asked for advice. I asked her a question, and it’s one I always try to ask myself in these situations: “how will you feel tomorrow?”
But really. Once the moment of passion has passed, and the dust has settled . . . where will you be? Will you feel joyful, beautiful, empowered? Or sad, lonely, maybe even used? And if you can’t see far enough into the future to have a pretty good idea of what the result will be, then it’s probably best to pass for now. Because, at the very least, you want to know that much. Trust me, as someone who’s been caught by surprise, it’s no fun. In fact, it can be really hurtful. The enduring aftermath can be far more difficult than finding the will power to say “no” in an instant (even when “yes” is incredibly enticing).
I would be remiss to not share the other side of this, too. I’ve certainly had encounters that left me feeling empty, but I’ve also had ones that were quite the opposite. Ones that did make me feel cherished, fiercely feminine, and significantly seen. The meaningfulness of the situation can translate both ways, depending on the who, when, and why involved.
I will admit that I think sometimes it’s not the power of sex, but rather the power it lacks, that can cause our biggest emotional struggles with it. From what I’ve learned, one thing sex cannot do is fill a void. It might not make him run, but, it certainly won’t make him stay. It might keep him around for a little while, but it cannot help you keep him if he’s not right for you. It might make certain aspects of your relationship stronger … or it might just make it harder to say goodbye when it’s time to move on from each other. Heck, it could do both of those things simultaneously (ugh!). Because, like any other means of intimacy, sex can only fortify and deepen what’s real (or painfully highlight what’s not). But, it cannot forge a path for a relationship where one doesn’t exist.
All that to say, there is no shame intended around this subject, only support. And whatever you decide, let it be from a place of actively valuing yourself, and whomever you’re with, in the process. Dating and sex inevitably put us in vulnerable positions (figuratively and literally LOL). But, I truly believe we can navigate them in ways that allow us to honor ourselves and those we engage with. And never forget that there’s certainly no shame in protecting your heart, darling.
