The more you date, the more you…learn. Well, this round of dating, school is in session. I’m taking my time, taking notes, and taking deep breaths (with reminders from my girls). I’m also loving (almost) every second of it. How come? Because I’m getting the chance to do it better than ever before. I took a solid break that served me so well, last year. I dropped off the dating radar for about 7 months, and it was exactly what I needed. Now that we’re back in action, I’ve got some new insights…
Prospects pursue. Period.
If he’s into you, he’ll show up, and show you that you matter.
Let’s talk about what I really mean when I say “pursue.” Elaborate dates early on? No. Blowing up your phone? Not that either. In the past, I’ve had guys wine and dine me to an eccentric level without even knowing me. And I’ve had playboys text-flirt me – really well, by the way – into oblivion. Those guys are one-hit wonders (and they’re usually bored!). They’ll swoop in, go nuts, and then ghost before you even find out their last name.
When I talk about pursuit, I mean his time with you is deliberate. He makes a point to see you, and when he does, he makes it count.
Pursuit is about purpose.
A popular question in this department is: “What are your intentions?” Honestly, when I hear “intentions” I think of the future…plans, goals, etc. Not that intentions shouldn’t be included in this equation, but that part is more about how someone wants to show up.
What we should also be asking is: “How are they showing up now?”
Maybe he says he wants to get to know you, but is he actually doing that? Maybe he says he can see something long term, but is he laying that foundation? He might be saying really enticing things about the future – stuff that sounds like it came straight out of the Prince Charming manual 😉 But, girlfriend, if he can’t make plans with you for next week, be careful about anything he’s promising for next year.
We can get caught up in intentions just as quickly as we get swept away with ideals. But the present purpose shows us how much is real.
Time is your most valuable asset.
Dating is an investment: paid for with your time. In light of this, I have two recommendations:
1. Don’t waste it! If you know someone isn’t right for you, spare yourself (and them). Please. Life is too short to spend time in places we know we don’t want to be.
2. Invest enough time to know! I have a three-date rule. It’s probably not the kind of rule you’re thinking of. It’s this: If he asks me, I will agree to at least three dates. I will wait until after those three before I decide whether or not to keep seeing him. Because I feel strongly that it takes at least that long before we can really make a judgment about potential compatibility.
First dates are a wash – both parties are usually a bit nervous, you’re brand new to each other, and it’s hard to get an authentic read. The second date is your first sort-of-real meeting, and then we need one more to see any consistency.
Beware of making any decisions based on a “spark” (or lack thereof), ladies! While some level of attraction is important, if he has you daydreaming about him that quickly, that’s not a good sign (more on this another time).
Trust your gut (but really!)
We’re blessed with a built-in alarm system, darling – use it! This has been a big one for me.
About a month (and a dozen dates) after diving back into the dating scene this spring, I had been out a few times with a guy who seemed promising. And yet, something just felt…off. During our family ski trip, I was on the lift with my dad when he asked for updates. I mentioned this guy, and he picked up on my apprehension immediately. “I just can’t put my finger on it, but something just doesn’t feel right.” My dad didn’t even hesitate: “That’s all you need.” He was right.
Well, curiosity got me, so I stuck it out for a bit. And then that problem surfaced full-force. And it was not little. My gut hasn’t been wrong yet (even when I wished it was), and I suspect yours hasn’t been either. As women, we’re highly intuitive creatures – lean into that superpower!
Focus on you.
“Dating is not about the man you will meet, it’s about the woman you will become.”
I know it seems counterproductive to tell you to focus on yourself when you’re looking for someone else, but through putting this into practice, dating has gotten a lot more productive and fun!
If you don’t know who you are, it’s going to be impossible for someone else to get to know you. That’s why a man who’s got his ish together loves a self-aware queen. Plus, the sexiest thing in the world: confidence! (The tried-and-true kind, not the fake-it-til-you-make-it stuff!)
Start chasing your dreams while dating, darling. I promise, the guys keeping stride by your side are exactly the type you wanna keep around!
