Unexpected words of wisdom from a dating coach that totally changed the game…
“Well, Carrie, it sounds like you just really want to be single right now, and that’s ok!”
Wait. Really?
I was shocked. Not just because I couldn’t remember the last time I had heard those words (ummmm, if ever, actually), but I was especially surprised at who I had just heard them from.
So let me backup and give you a little bit of background really quick…..
A couple of years ago, my mom had suggested I check out a local dating service. “They say it’s for busy, young professionals…that’s you!” Of all of her well-intentioned moments of advice regarding my dating life, this was truly a chart-topper. (*Note: I swear, this example aside, she actually does give good advice. Love you, mama!) Amidst my hysterical laughter, I figured I might as well check it out. Best case scenario, there was organized fun to be had, and worst case, a good story. After all, my own mother had seen a commercial about a dating service and immediately thought of me…the embarrassment of the situation couldn’t get much steeper. Once I was able to peel myself off the floor, I made a phone call. Turns out having someone date for me was going to cost a cool $1800 in initial fees alone (and that’s assuming you find someone you like in the first 3 months. Otherwise, your next round of tuition to this matchmaker university would come due…until you dropped out or graduated. Great.). Sure, this was for “busy, young professionals”…with trust funds or bank job side-gigs. I mean, I’ll pay quite a bit for convenience, but even I have my limits.
Flash forward. It should come as no surprise that these places are master marketers, and by some magic trick they managed to obtain and store my contact info. Reading over the promo that showed up in my inbox, I figured since there was no way they could use this to recruit me, why not make it an experiment? And thus Project Stump the Dating Coach took flight. “Bring your biggest dating problems,” they said. Mine: should I be dating right now?
I was very proud of what I had presented: equal pros and cons, and a good dose of passion for each – I had argued both sides of this case, so surely she would see my inherent dilemma. Surely, she would appreciate it. And then, if she dared, endeavor to act as a Magic 8 ball that would provide me instant clarity on how to manage my situation and get what I ultimately wanted (even though I didn’t even know what that was).
Honestly, part of me wanted someone to tell me that this internal conflict was totally normal…that, even at 30, I wasn’t expected to pick a lane yet. I wanted to stay right in the middle – in this no man’s land (pun intended LOL) that I had created.
And then the dating coach told me to just go ahead and NOT date.
*Choke*
Like whoa, didn’t see that one coming. Not only was she not trying to sell me on her company’s services, she wasn’t even trying to sell me on the desire that perpetuated the need for them. OK sister, clearly you’ve never worked on commission.
And then she asked: “so what if you gave yourself a year? A year to just be single, and stop dating altogether. Give yourself permission to do that.”
That was it…permission to give myself permission. Sure my dating life was something that I was the sole authority on anyway – I didn’t need anyone else’s permission for how to go about it. But being given permission to give myself permission…now that was something entirely different. It allowed me to allow myself to step outside of the box for a minute and look at the bigger picture. Fresh perspective from someone else is useful, but when it comes from you, it’s downright invaluable.
You haven’t actually let go yet! I needed to practice what I had been preaching to myself (and all of my single girlfriends…seriously, ask any of them!) for years: to throw the life timeline for relationships, marriage, etc. out the window. I had decided a long time ago that I couldn’t control the timing of these things, and I had accepted that. But let’s be real, it didn’t mean that on a deep subconscious level I wasn’t still trying to steer that ship. Certified control freak, right here (and proud…well, most of the time). So I gave myself ultimate permission, and I let go. It felt like I had just been handed a shield against my own self-imposed judgments.
Long story short, I ended up deciding to keep dating (maybe she was actually serving me up some reverse psychology? Who knows!). When I told myself it was alright to throw in the towel, I was able to see that wasn’t what I really wanted anyway. The scariest part was giving myself the option. It’s easier to stick to lists and regimens than it is to ask ourselves what we really want (because the answer to that can be scary). I realized I didn’t want to walk away from who I was currently seeing. But, this exercise definitely gave me extra authorization to do it all on my terms. This wasn’t about arriving at a certain outcome, but rather choosing constant freedom in the process – no matter what that looks like!
So here’s my friendly reminder for you to truly do you, darling. In a world where we feel like we need a license to do everything, skip the line…and here’s permission to give yourself permission.
