How often in dating do we wonder what men are really thinking? Sometimes it feels like we need a translator and a crystal ball to try to figure it out. But frankly, I figured a peek behind the curtain would be better. I’ve got a man’s perspective on dating for you…on several questions that tend to surface amidst dating conundrums.
Before you say, “but I’ve asked plenty of guys about this stuff before,” just know that I asked a particular kind of man. He’s in his mid-30s, super successful, well-educated, attractive (like, really!), a total gentleman, has never been married, and has done plenty of dating…because he’s the kind of guy that every woman wants to date. He’s also happily committed to one of my girls. So basically, he’s got lots of experience, significant swag, and absolutely no reason to not be honest. I mean, talk about a unicorn!
Alright, darling, grab a notebook and pen, and a glass of wine. You’re about to hear the real deal…a man’s perspective on dating.
1. What’s something you’re immediately drawn to on a dating app profile?
A girl who cannot source five solo pictures.
2. An immediate red flag on a dating app?
Someone sending me a rose; I mean, we haven’t even met yet. Chill. I received dozens of roses, only went on one date with a girl who sent me one, and it was as weird as I thought it was going to be.
3. What do you need to see on a first date – or from her, afterwards – before you’ll ask for a second one?
I want to leave date #1 feeling like the shot clock ran out on the date, and we weren’t done talking yet.
4. In your opinion, how far into dating should she start planning dates, picking up the tab, etc.?
I have an old-school view of picking up the check. After asking a girl on a date, I make the plans and in turn pick up the tab.
5. A sign that indicates a guy is dating to find a relationship?
I’m not sure if anyone should be “dating to find a relationship.” It’s cliché, but I feel like people rarely find something worthwhile when they are looking too hard for it. The worst dates and most unexpected endings made for the best stories. Also, I learned a lot from the relationships that did not work.
A better question would be – a sign a guy is dating with intentionality. One sign that may indicate that a guy is serious about dating someone would be if he puts some effort into the dates. And I don’t just mean going to the fanciest restaurants. For example, if he remembers that your job requires you to work late Wednesdays, so he plans something low-key and convenient for you on Thursday; I think that person is thinking about someone other than himself. That’s a good start.
6. What’s something that must be established early on in dating in order to build a good relationship?
Obviously, you need to be clear about what each person is looking for. If one person is looking to date seriously and the other one is only looking to date casually, then it’s not worth wasting each other’s time. One of the two will eventually get frustrated. But that’s usually easy to tell early on in the conversation. If we’re assuming that serious dating is happening, I think the typical list includes things like:
Kids? What are their priorities (profession, pet(s), religious beliefs, politics, financial plans – or lack thereof :/)? Where they intend to live? What obligations do they have to family and/or friends?
7. What makes you decide you’re ready for exclusivity?
Before dating anyone seriously, I think it’s important to be really comfortable being solo. Of course, we all want companionship in some form; but before dating anyone seriously, I learned that it was important to be totally good with who you are. No one is going to be some magical missing puzzle piece for someone who internally is a waste case.
One early-stage feeling that gets my attention about a girl is when after a few dates, I start to be way less excited about dates with anyone else. I think I’m a quick and accurate judge of character, and I’ve been right each time when it comes to dating.
8. When you’re ready to ask a girl to be exclusive, is there anything that will deter you (example: her still seeing other people, something you haven’t yet experienced together, etc.)?
Well, I obviously won’t waste time with someone who is not also invested into the relationship. We can all be on slightly different timelines, but if one person’s timeline is “ready for exclusivity” and the other one is still hardcore dating, then there’s a really good chance the timelines are irreconcilably different.
9. How does it make you feel if she brings up exclusivity first? Does this impact your decision?
I am comfortable with that. In most relationships I’ve been in, it becomes self-evident that the relationship is exclusive or is becoming exclusive in nature without needing to formally declare it. So, whether the girl or I brought it up was immaterial.
10. What if she just tells you that she stopped seeing other people?
If it’s been one date, then run. If you guys have been dating for a while and it’s going well, then she may be attempting to have the “exclusivity talk.”
11. True or false: “when a guy wants to see you, he will see you.”
True. If a guy doesn’t make time to see a girl, he either does not have the time or pretends not to. Either way, is there a difference?
12. Have you ever lost interest a few months into dating? Any particular reason?
Of course. People can mask bad habits, toxic personality traits, and true form for a while – especially while in their 20s. After realizing that these people were fundamentally different from the person I was eventually trying to meet, I would avoid wasting their time and mine by moving on.
13. A go-to method for letting a girl down easy (after you’ve been dating a bit, but you don’t want to continue)?
I always say the same thing – work requirements are particularly hard, and “I don’t have the time and attention to give to a girl like you, who clearly deserves someone who can make you a priority.” We all know what I’m saying, but why hurt someone’s feelings?
14. A sign that a guy is still seeing multiple girls?
In the world of app-based dating, isn’t the assumption that we’re all going on dates with at least a few different people in the early stages? If you don’t hear from him for several days; if he repeats stories on dates; and forgets everything you talked about before; there’s a 100% chance he’s not very smooth and a really good chance his dating schedule includes more girls than only you.
15. What’s the top quality you look for in a wife?
Well, I’ve never had a wife before, so I am not entirely sure. But as I sit here today, some of the things I value the most are: someone who I know I can 100% count on, someone who makes me want to be better, someone who I am comfortable doing nothing with. Having a family is important to me, so I also want to end up with someone who will be an exceptional mother and someone who I’d be proud to call my child’s mom.
16. What do you think is the top quality a woman should look for in a husband?
This is a really personal question that will change for each woman. But there are some fundamentals, like loyalty, responsibility, maturity, being at least 5’10”. Ya know, the basics.
Special thanks to this stand-up guy for his insight! Having a man’s perspective on dating is so helpful! Ladies, if there’s anything else you’re dying to ask, let me know. I hope this wisdom from the other side brings you guidance and encouragement. And, of course…may the odds be ever in your favor 😉
P.S. If you’re looking for more dating insight, check out this blog on what to talk about on the first few dates!
