Let’s talk about ghosting in dating…but with a slightly different perspective. While guys definitely shouldn’t do it (trust me, I know how often they do, and I’m usually first in line to remind them how rude it is), this time we’re gonna talk about why WE definitely shouldn’t do it either, ladies.
I did a post on being ghosted and what I learned from that experience – you can read it HERE.
What exactly is ghosting?
There are a lot of different beliefs out there about what constitutes ghosting. I’m not saying there’s one specific classification that applies, but for the sake of addressing it, we have to define it. So, here’s what I think it means: not responding to someone when they reach out, after you’ve met.
If you connected on a dating app, but have never even been on a date, that’s not ghosting. And if you go on a date, but neither of your reaches out afterwards, also not ghosting. Ghosting is when you’ve actually connected, someone continues communication, and the other person doesn’t respond.
Now let’s get to why you shouldn’t do it…
- The Golden Rule applies in dating
A central concept of dating well: treat people the way you want to be treated.
I know it’s tempting to sometimes treat people the way you have been treated, but there’s something to be said for not stooping to the low level of typical practices. And dating karma is totally a thing, darling! So, make sure what you put out there is on-par with what you wanna get back.
- Reputation matters
It’s a small world, and since my reputation will inevitably precede me at times, I hope it’s positive. Even if I have no interest in continuing things with that guy, I don’t want him to remember me as the girl who couldn’t be bothered to be upfront with him. If you’re honest and gracious, you’ve done all you can to demonstrate that you’re a woman of value and with values.
I’ll also add this: you have no idea what circles he’s a part of that you might overlap with someday. Future coworkers, friends of friends, professional contacts, and maybe even potential partners could have contact with him. While you can’t control what people choose to say about you, you can control how you carry yourself (and trust me, they will remember that part…even if they pretend not to).
- It just might come back to haunt you
I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve ghosted (which exist as a product of some bad dating habits in my 20s). But even with that very limited number and living in a very big city, I have been remined of those poor decisions.
Here’s a story about one that came back to haunt me (at a super inconvenient time!) …
Last spring I decided to give speed dating a whirl. I showed up at the location and got into the elevator, and guess who got in with me?! A guy I had ghosted…more than three years earlier!
I couldn’t tell if he recognized me or not, so I pretended not to recognize him (chalk it up to a panic reaction because I truly couldn’t believe what was happening). Then I realized only one elevator button was illuminated. We were both headed to the rooftop. No, no ,no…we aren’t really going to same event, are we?!
We were. Hold on, it gets even better…
This event was set up so that the app would only match you with a handful of the participants for mini dates. Well, the algorithm showed up to reinforce my shame that evening. Yup, this guy and I got matched for a date. And, keeping with the theme from our elevator run-in, we spent those 10 minutes pretending we had never met before. Again, it’s possible that he really didn’t remember me – here’s hoping! But, I’ll never know for sure.
Wishing you a happy Halloween and a ghosting-free dating scene!
XOXO,
Carrie
