“He’s just not my type.” I said this so many times. So. Many. (If only I had a dime for every time!)
Here’s the thing: a “type” is just code for various excuses to skip right over someone. Yup, excuses. There. I said it. So we’re going to be debunking your dating “type”.
If you’re convinced that a dating “type” is a legit thing, I promise, I’m not judging – because that’s how I felt…for a very long time. It took some vulnerability and a lot of unexpected experiences for me to realize this idea was actually holding me back from enjoying dating (and that it had the potential to hold me back from even more!).
From a certain height to particular professions, and eyes that could give me a special “look,” I had it all…every little, insignificant detail of what my man was gonna be. I convinced myself that my “type” was a filtration system to ensure that I didn’t waste my time, but all it was doing was ensuring I missed out on meeting a lot of great guys.
This revelation came to me in small pieces over time…
I said I’d never date a guy who was divorced, or a guy who had kids. Then when I was studying abroad in London, I decided to give my rule book the ol’ he-ho, and dated a man who was both of those things. Yup. You can read a bit more about that experience HERE.
My hair color preference went out the window when I dated a bald guy.
My rule about not dating other lawyers was quickly amended when I met an amazing one.
Then I dated a guy who was literally my height (and for the record, I’m a mere 5’3” y’all!).
One bit at a time, my superficial filtration system was dismantled, and it was so freeing!
Now I’m gonna help you speed up the process, girlfriend! So, let’s identify why having a “type” is probably cramping your dating style, and get to the nitty gritty of how to move past it (if you want to!) to debunking your dating type.
Step 1: Define it.
If you want to debunk something, first you’ve got to get really specific about what it is. So, we’re gonna make a list. Grab a pen and paper (they can be pretty…whatever helps you commit to this exercise!) and start jotting down everything – and I do mean everything – that you think you want in your partner. I don’t care how crazy, shallow, or wishful it sounds. Write. It. Down.
If you had a chance to design – right down to the last detail – your future partner, what would you include? Physical looks, personality traits, hobbies, every single characteristic you can dream up (and if it makes you pause, all the more reason to put it on the list!). Go!
Step 2: Determine your “why.”
There’s a reason for everything. We don’t like what we like just for the sake of liking it. There’s something that causes us to feel that way. So now, in a column next to that long list you just made, assign a reason to each and every item.
Want a tall guy? Ask yourself why.
Looking for someone with a graduate degree? It’s probably not because of the student debt attached to that piece of paper.
Super attached to him having a specific salary? It might have more to do with a sense of security than money.
Sometimes the why is the part that we should hang onto, and we just need to put it into a different measure. My list initially included a guy who liked to golf (even though if anyone ever successfully dragged me onto a course, I would probably be the girl drinking mimosas and reading on the cart). When I attached a reason to that requirement, I realized it was because I really just wanted my man to have a way to bond with other men in my family. Not a bad reason, but very bad (and needlessly limiting) criteria. Assigning a reason to each item will help highlight these things!
Step 3: Dump the Dumb Stuff!
I’m not telling you to ditch your whole list – some of that stuff is super important! I’m saying go line by line and say buh-bye to the stuff that doesn’t really serve you. And maybe some things need to be reevaluated based on our reasoning (example: I kept the condition of my man meshing with the other important men in my life, but gave the golf requirement a good putting).
Remember, looks fade with age, and credentials only get us so far. But, what are the qualities in a partner that are going to make a difference in your relationship 20 years from now? If it’s not really going to matter then, then it probably doesn’t actually matter now…so, get rid of it! Trust me, we are not lowering your standards…we are clearing out the excess junk so you can fiercely focus on the superior ones!
Step 4: Defend the “Definites!”
Now, what’s left? There should be items on your list that you keep. These are your core values, your must-haves, and the qualities that will make that other your true significant. They are your “definites.” And darling, let me tell ya, you *deserve* them. Shamelessly defend your desire to be with someone who brings these things to the table.
We’re doing away with the meaningless things that might stand in the way of you finding your person, but we are simultaneously doubling-down on the attributes that really matter in the amazing partner you’re looking for.
Here’s to debunking your dating type by breaking free of limitations we don’t need, and building intentionally on what we truly want!
