We’re talking about the dating placeholder – the kind that keeps you from having a real and fulfilling dating life.
Not only have I heard about this in every form imaginable from girlfriends over the years, but I’ve also been there… way more times than I care to admit! Rest assured; this is a judgment-free zone. So, curl up on the couch in your comfies, with a cup (or glass) of something yummy, and let’s crush this.
The Dating Placeholder
It’s that guy – whatever form he comes in – that exists only as a great idea, and nothing more. And hanging onto that idea keeps you from having a healthy dating life (and maybe keeps you from dating at all).
He’s the guy you’ve watched from the wings, but never gotten close to.
The guy who did something chivalrous for you one time in passing, but hasn’t ever expressed interest.
The guy who is always nice to you, but has never actually made a move.
The guy you totally have a thing for… and he might not even know you exist.
Heck, he might even have a girlfriend!
He’s the door that never opened.
…but you’re convinced that if you just stand in front of him long enough…
…waiting…
… someday, he’ll suddenly realize he has feelings for you.
You know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s him…Hi! He’s the placeholder, it’s him!
Why it’s a problem
1. It’s clouding your judgment.
I’m gonna lay it out for you, girlfriend: he’s not filling a void, he’s keeping you stuck. Period.
The hard truth is you’re not dating him. Because even when the idea of him feels so real, he is not. And until you move past him, you can’t get to the good stuff. The real stuff.
By standing and staring at this unopened door, you’re missing out on all the doors that are actually open.
When we’re in the thick of a placeholder, we tend to subconsciously bypass real options. Sometimes we’ll even self-sabotage to keep that hope alive. (I said what I said!)
We also compare other guys – actual prospects – to him. But that comparison game will never end in our favor. Because when we compare a real possibility to a perfect idea, the real thing can never win. That means every guy you come across – ones who want to date you, be with you, build with you – will have to measure up to this make-believe thing you’ve convinced yourself must exist on the other side of this closed door.
2. It’s stealing your energy.
Dating takes emotional energy. It just does. And if you’re giving some away to someone you’re not even dating, it leaves less for everyone else. Yup, secretly hoping that closed door will eventually open takes energy. Even when you think it doesn’t.
Especially in dating, it’s crucial that you spend your energy well. So please don’t waste another ounce on someone that isn’t giving anything back to you!
How to move past it
Ya gotta let go, darling. Stop standing in front of the closed door. Walk away, so you can give yourself a chance to walk through an open one.
Another hard truth: you’re the only one here, since that placeholder has never actually opted in. He can’t walk away…because he never even showed up. So, you have to be the one to do it for yourself. The good news: you CAN and you WILL! And what’s waiting for you when you do is totally worth it.
If you’re the type who needs a process, who craves “closure” (again, no judgment here!), then I’ve got some options for you:
1. Write a letter and burn it.
To get yourself to walk away, you might need to process those feelings. So, sit down and write this guy a letter. Let all of it out! Every emotion, every vision, every thought that you have about him…put it down on paper. Let it be a love letter, a goodbye letter, whatever you need. Don’t hold anything back. And then…destroy it. (That last part is super cathartic – don’t skip it!)
2. Reach out to him!
Alright girlfriend, if you need to, you can try to open that door. This is a surefire way to end the madness: make a move. No, not the creepy, stage-5-clinger kind. Just make contact with him, and let him know that you’re interested. Stop him in the hallway at church, ask him to coffee, or shoot him a DM or text message. Let him know he’s the kind of guy you’d like to date. And then see how he responds. If he’s not jumping at the idea of taking you out (and making plans to do so!), he’s not interested. Then you can walk away without wondering.
Here’s to moving past that dating placeholder, so you can date real options…and reach for that very real relationship! If that door never opened, it’s for a good reason.
XOXO,
Carrie
