So, you just started seeing this guy…and now you’re trying to decide how you actually feel about it. Early impressions can lead to a lot of different emotions – the excitement of someone new, the hesitation of the unknown, the confusion of it all (especially when you can’t even assign a label to what you think you might be feeling).
Well darling, I’ve got a hit list of questions to ask yourself after the first few dates to decipher all those randoms things running through your mind.
1. How did he make you feel?
For clarification, I am not asking you how you feel about him. That’s very different. I am asking how he made you feel when you were with him. That’s the important part. Did you feel respected? Seen? Elegant? Appreciated?
Before you panic, this is just for your info. No one needs to evaluate this except you. And this is just to figure out if you want to keep seeing him – you’re not deciding anything bigger than that.
But here’s the truth, girlfriend. Jitters are perfectly fine, but if you feel like he’s not really present when he’s with you, or you secretly feel inclined to put on a show when he’s around, he’s probably not it.
2. How does he treat others?
At this point, you should’ve been able to see him interact with other human beings.
*Note: if you have yet to be out in public with him, stop right here and instead ask yourself why you’ve only been alone so far. While quiet time is super important, it shouldn’t be the only way you’re getting to know each other, especially right out of the gate.
Back to the original question: how he treats others is vital information. How does he interact with waiters and bartenders? Is he courteous? Does he tip well? (Ok, I know you can’t always see the bill, but you get what I mean.) How does he carry himself? All of these things matter. They’re a reflection of character – from consideration to common courtesy.
Trust me, it’s zero fun being with a jerk. And remember…you’re still in the phase where he’s probably trying to impress you. So, if he can’t meet standards now, there will not be any improvement later.
A few things I always notice about a guy: whether he’s pleasant, says “please” and “thank you,” and holds doors for people – especially for other ladies! These are all markers of civility and chivalry, both of which are critical.
3. Did you talk about your values? (Or at least something of value?)
Whether or not you’re comfortable enough to have real conversations after the first couple of dates is very telling. I’m not saying you need to bare it all – in fact, please don’t (and frankly, neither should he).
I’m just saying you should feel like you can get a little bit real with each other. If he’s a good fit, this will start to feel natural right about now. Trust your gut on this. Believe me, deep down, you’ll know.
4. What does he have to say about his ex?
Oh, the dreaded ex files…yup, we’re going there.
Here’s a simple follow-up question for this: if you were his ex, would you appreciate being talked about that way? Before you get defensive on me, I am not saying that he needs to be buddy-buddy with her or have any warm and fuzzies toward her. What I am saying is a little decency goes a long way in this department.
Maybe he hasn’t even mentioned his exes yet. That’s perfectly fine.
What we want to make sure of is, if the topics has come up, that he’s respectful about it. It also tells you whether he takes responsibility for his relationships, has learned from them, and whether he’s moved on.
If he’s harboring some tough feelings – enough so to bring it up and not be calm and collected about it – then that usually means he either isn’t over her, or he’s got some reflecting and growing to do before he’s ready to take on anyone else.
Side note: What’s not helpful is when you’ve been dating for a minute, and he refers to his ex as “the one who got away.” Womp womp. You need to know if he still has some getting-over it to do, because that’s a hump you cannot help him with.
On the other hand, nothing says maturity quite like a man who’s been heartbroken (or even done the heartbreaking himself), and can acknowledge it for what it was, and even have something positive to say about it. It tells me whether he’s a grown man with autonomy, or a boy who points the finger.
5. How does he talk about his mom?
Whether she’s in his life or not, his favorite or least favorite person, how a man speaks of his mother is indicative of whether he respects women. Full stop. Zero exceptions. I have put this to the test with every single guy I’ve ever dated. I’ve gotten a mixed bag of answers, but not once has it not been totally telling about how he feels about women. Just trust me.
He doesn’t have to think she hung the moon, but if he’s comfortable speaking poorly about his mama, he will never think highly of you.
*Tip: a question I usually like to drop when his mom comes up (usually on date 2 or 3): “If you could describe her in one word, what would it be?” It’s quick, easy, and it’ll give you all the info you need.
I hope these questions to ask yourself after the first few dates help you as much as they’ve helped me. Take some time to yourself to think through them – you’ll be amazed at what surfaces when you do! And feel free to reach out to me if you ever want to chat. I know how crazy and daunting the dating process can be. But, I also know that when we do it well, it can be rewarding (a lot of fun!), indeed.
Need some help on what to talk about on the first few dates? This blog post has you covered!
