Happy spring, darling! Honestly, we’re 3 months in, and I still can’t believe that it’s actually 2021. This last year felt like a blur. I think we can agree that plenty of things should die along with 2020. If I could pick one dating trend to leave behind, hands down, it would be…ghosting. But *newsflash* I don’t think the dating gods are asking for my input, nor are the people who are keeping this trend alive. So maybe we can’t get rid of it…but we can get something out of it.
I had a recent ghosting experience that actually taught me a couple of things. A friend asked me after the fact if I regretted dating this guy. I told her that no matter how something ends, you can’t really regret it if you learn from it. No, this is not me making excuses for someone who wasn’t even man enough to announce his departure (that’s definitely on him). But when we go through anything, there’s always the chance to come out the other side better informed. So, here’s what I took away from his stealth getaway…
1. Don’t be too available.
I know, I know, at first glance that seems rude or, at the very least, like I’m telling you to play games. Stay with me for a second because I promise that’s not what I mean. Basically, if you start to over-prioritize him, not only are you doing all of the work, you’re also conveying to him that he doesn’t need to prioritize you at all.
In the beginning, we couldn’t end a date without him already making concrete plans for the next one. I found myself agreeing, with a specific day and time attached…before I even got out of the car. (Note: this is NOT how I usually roll.) But then things slowly got crazier for him at work, he would reschedule and then cancel plans with me, and eventually, even though we were talking and texting all day, every day, he wasn’t scheduling with me at all. But, I realized that – not so coincidentally – when things started to get a bit more complicated, I became much more accommodating…sometimes bending over backwards to make it happen, despite my own life chaos…until I was the only one trying to make plans, period. I became too available, and then he became a whole lot less interested.
I’m not suggesting you can’t meet a guy halfway (obviously), but you certainly shouldn’t start going the whole distance for him too early. Part of him knowing that you’re worth working for is actually letting him work for you. Girl, let him do that! Oh yes, I can just hear all of the justifications, but…here comes the truth bomb we all need to be reminded of from time to time (myself included!): if a guy wants to see you, he will see you. Period. No buts, no what-ifs, no back-bends necessary. It doesn’t matter what else is going on in his world, he will make time for you.
2. Don’t mistake his declared intentions for actual investment.
We’ve all heard that actions speak louder than words. But, if you’re not on the lookout, a smooth talker will sweep you away with words every time (trust me!). This guy was all about talking about exclusivity. He brought the idea up after our second date and kept it alive from that point on. He went so far as to say that he wasn’t going to ask me until I was “ready,” and that he knew I would find a way to let him know when I was [insert eye roll here].
For the record, he was right, I wasn’t ready…and I wasn’t quiet about that fact. I was firm in my “not yet” stance, but eventually started to fall into infatuation, with both him and his seemingly chivalrous proclamations. I realized I didn’t really want to date other people for the time being. It felt a little fake to be out with another perfectly great guy and yet only able to think about this one. So I got off of dating apps. And then I made the stupid mistake of admitting that to him (if you’re looking for a dating self-destruct button, this is an excellent option!). While this kind of moment should eventually come in any blossoming relationship, here’s the thing: he only ever talked about commitment, whereas I had actually taken a step towards it. And not too long after this revelation, he dropped off the radar. It felt like things had gone from full-throttle to nada, but, in reality, they were never full-throttle….not even close. I had just gotten caught up in the whirlwind of his empty insinuations.
Of course, hindsight is always 20/20, and sometimes when a guy ghosts, it was never about him sticking around…it’s about what he leaves behind.
