As the leaves start to change colors and temps start dropping, we know that cozy season, or “spooky season,” is just around the corner. So, let’s talk about some spooky dating trends. We’ve talked about ghosting before – you can check out that blog post here, but we haven’t talked about some of the other common, but less-than-desirable themes on the dating scene.
So, let’s chat about a couple of them: “haunting” and “zombie-ing.”
If you’re sitting there wondering what these words mean, you’re not alone, darling. The internet is packed with choice definitions for these things, but here’s what it boils down to:
Haunting is when someone from your past (mostly someone who ghosted you, but this may also include an ex who up and left abruptly), seems to be keeping a distant, digital eye on you. He likes your Instagram posts, watches your stories, or generally lingers through various forms of online presence.
Zombie-ing is supposedly when they “come back from the dead” and actually reach out to you. He sends a DM, or maybe a text message, if he’s feeling brave that day.
While these two things may have separate slang words, when it comes to your dating life, they’re the same. Most importantly, they both mean that this guy should remain in your past, darling.
Here’s the tough love truth bomb: if that guy is coming in and out of your life, it’s because you’re allowing him to. I said what I said.
So, we’re gonna strategize about a few ways you can put up some healthy boundaries and keep the ghosts and zombies out of your dating life.
But, before we talk about how to end this vicious cycle and leave these guys in their graves, let me first say this: I’ve been there…many more times than I would like to admit.
One time, a guy I dated for a few months, who left the scene without so much as announcing his departure, found my Instagram and liked my stories. ON VALENTINE’S DAY. Yup.
Another time, a guy who had been MIA for five months suddenly texted me that he was finally opening up a bottle of wine that I had brought over for dinner, back when we were still seeing each other.
And that’s why I can tell ya, woman to woman: he ain’t it! And you deserve better!
Now, here’s what you can do about it.
1. Block them
This is me stating the obvious, but just do it, girlfriend. If he’s showing up in your space and disturbing the peace. Leave him on read or make sure he can’t take in a bird’s eye view of your life. Sir, you didn’t want to get in, so you can stay out.
2. Check your mindset
I know how easy it is to see these things and start to think that he must suddenly be interested. And let’s be real, it can feel pretty good to feel like maybe he’s realizing what he missed out on. But, let me remind you that if he was interested, he would demonstrate that he’s invested. How much investment does it take for him to text you out of the blue? None. How much effort does it take for him to spy on your social media? Zero. He’s just trying to hook you from the other side of a screen, darling. And you’re too worthy to take his cheap bait. Remember your value.
3. Learn from the experience
Maybe he took you by surprise when he ghosted you, but hindsight is usually 20/20. Looking back, what other insecure patterns appeared during the time you spent together? Take notes and let those observations serve as knowledge for the future.
As a dear friend once said to me, “the losers always come back.”
Here’s how I know she was right: winners know what they want. If he’s the guy for you, he’s not gonna have to drop off the radar to scope out his options before settling on the idea of you. You’re not his pit stop on the way to something better, or his placeholder while he figures himself out.
If you’re not his heck yes, then he is your heck no.
Wishing you a cozy season, free of spooky dating trends!
